October 2022, Jim

One odd aspect of San Sebastian’s great surf beach, Playa de Zurriola, “bares” mentioning: full nudity is permitted. And before I go into full complaint mode, let me clarify that the people taking part in this little exposé are not exactly Victoria’s Secret models. Or women. Or people who haven’t been retired for quite some time. These are pretty much very old dudes, and by “pretty much” I mean one hundred percent.

I have nothing against old guys. Or naked people. It’s only when those two categories are combined – and present at the beach where I happen to be – that I’m in vocal opposition. It’s just that I can’t seem to unsee things that I really didn’t want to see in the first place.

Let’s analyze what’s going on here. My approach: uncovering the naked facts, stripping everything down to the bare bones to expose these guys. (Sorry.) They can be grouped into several categories:

Group 1 (The Full Frontal Lingerers): These are the dudes that emerge from their beach towels and go into the water at normal speed, but then seem to linger excessively when getting OUT of the water, as they happen to be FACING the hundreds of other people on the beach who are wearing swimsuits and trying to mind their own business. Kind of a Saggy Slow Mo Show.

Group 2 (The Towel Hunters): These are the dudes that get out of the water and somehow forget where their towels are and how to see anything from beyond three feet and therefore have an excuse to jiggle around in front of every single other beachgoer at an uncomfortably close distance while squinting and enjoying every moment on center stage. Those with a lot of experience under their belts – well, not belts, but you know what I mean – can milk the Unclad Scavenger Hunt for a good twenty minutes of showtime.

Group 3 (The Former Postal Workers): These are the dudes that put in a full appearance under ANY weather conditions. Chilly, overcast and drizzling? No problem, they’ll still show up in all their glory. Seems they need to show off parts where the sun don’t shine, even when the sun don’t shine. With this kind of commitment to service under any meteorological conditions, I think we can start making assumptions about their pre-retirement employment, eh?

That’s all I got. Any additional analysis of the Zurriola Beach Naked Old Geezers Club membership would require a level of research that I’m just not willing to do.

Jimmy, out.